An Advice to a Friend Who Wants To Commit Suicide

My best friend is on a self-pity mode again and I remember that he jokingly mentioned (I hope & pray it's only a joke) to commit suicide. Well, I just read one of Bob Ong's books entitled "Ang Paboritong Libro Ni Hudas", in English translation: The Favorite Book of Judas. In that book, Bob actually had mentioned how to commit suicide in style. So, I guess I shall share this to my friend contemplating to do such a thing and to those who are thinking to exit this world of the living prematurely. This advice therefore is based on Bob Ong's book and therefore the idea is not mine originally. By the way this is only intended to lighten the mood of my dear friend and I hope he would not take the idea of killing himself too seriously or I could not forgive myself.

The first step is to come up with the real reason why you want to kill yourself. Well, I guess my friend, you have a valid reason. To tell you frankly it's not valid reason for me but for you it's a good reason enough. Come on, we need to agree for the real reason, in fairness, okay? If your reason is that nobody wants to love you, there are a lot of people in your life who loves you. Besides it's their great loss if they don't have someone like you to love. This is what I've been telling you and the book's author agreed with me. If your reason is because you're broke…nah! You're not broke…you've been to concerts of your favorite rock artists. How can it be a question of money?

Once you have a valid reason or should I say we agreed on that particular reason to murder yourself, it's time for you to decide how you'll do it. Please don't make a mess on yourself. I hate to clean up your room from blood splatters or brain remains clinging on your wall if you decide to shoot yourself in the head. Aarghh!!!..that's painful, man. The classic way since the beginning of time is to hang yourself with a rope. If you need help to tie the knot, I volunteer to do it. I've been a boy scout so I know the different kinds of knots effective enough to efficiently tighten on your neck in an instant. Taking poison is another way to kill yourself. Be sure to take the most potent of all poison to ensure you die instantly. If you take the less potent kind, there is a chance to survive and man staying in the hospital for treatment is very expensive. Considering you're an artist, you always wanted a dramatic exit as well. Let's try something that will land you in the headlines. Bob Ong suggested having yourself hit by a train or jump in a very tall building. In your case, you may go up to the Stratosphere Tower and jump from there. By the way, you need to pay $7 to go up the tower. Don't forget to your local ID and you still can get discount. While you're already on top of the tower and ready to jump, please ensure that you'll instantly die when you hit the pavement on the ground. Remember, it's painful if you survive, hospitalization is very expensive, but the bright side of it, you might land in the Guinness Book of World Records for the highest fall.

Don't forget to write a suicide note. Bob suggested using a scented stationary using your own handwriting but no erasures. This might give the idea that you're actually not sure to kill yourself or not. In your suicide note, you can break hell and say what you want to say. Express your all out hatred to everybody in this world. Write about how you hated your life, your family and friends (except me), your teachers and mentors, your lovers, your neighbors, your co-workers, your job, your boss, your country, your president, etc etc etc…hey this is America, and we have so called freedom of expression. Don't forget to make it short though and direct to the point. People might find it boring and won't finish reading it. They might miss the portion where you ask forgiveness of what you have done and the main purpose of enticing dramatic reactions from the readers like crying and wailing out might not be accomplished. You will wish to come back to life and kill yourself again in a more dramatic way. Also make sure everybody can see the note you left for them, stick it on your forehead.

This next step is your expertise. Select your theme song. I know you have a wide selection of these songs based on your habit of downloading latest albums of your favorite rock artists from Taringa websites. I could not say more on these. Again, you're the expert. You can also specify how to stage your burial. But before you go, can you also suggest for my theme song when my time comes? Just a favor, ok? Don't tell me through dreams or you just appear in front of me as a ghost…remember I'm not good at entering haunted houses. I laugh aloud instead of screaming.

Choose your wardrobe. You'll only die once so you must choose the best suit. You can bring your trademark cap and your favorite jewelries. You can also bring along your favorite guitars if you wish. Be sure to stipulate all the details in your suicide note….oh this might make the note very long to read….just send an email to me instead.

Choose a quality and nice coffin. One that will not easily rot in the passing of time while your six feet under. Installing an air conditioning is optional. You may want it Wi-Fi enabled so that you can still tweet from down there. How about the color? Hmmm…your wish is as good as mine.

Choose a nice spot in the cemetery. This is a lifetime investment…or should I say death time so choose the spot you want to rest forever. You might want to be cremated but what do you want us to do with your holy ashes? Maybe use it as a foot powder?

Choose the date you will die and the date of your burial or cremation, whatever the case may be. Be sure it falls on a holiday or any special occasion so that your family and friends won't forget your death anniversary. At least they could greet you happy death anniversary every year.

It seems like you have a lot of preparation to do before you kill yourself. I know your days are filled up of other important things to do. So, you might as well forget this crazy idea. Just come back for this list in case you finally decide doing it in the future.